My first everithing

Published on 21:09, 06/17,2015

This love….. It really has no boundaries. 
Here I am…again, alone in my room, hugging that one thing which always has your perfume on… Crying my eyes out. 
You really have no idea how much I love you, miss you, need you. All that time you thought that those were just empty words, that I didn’t know what was I saying. Now you know, now you know everything. 
I know that you are out tonight, they’ve just told me. You will smile, dance, meet someone probably… Of course you will…Even if I’m not there I can see how they look at you. I envy every single person that is near you. They are near my perfection, my man.
I just want to be close to you. I want to speak normally with you, I want you to tell me all your problems, secrets, I want to be your best friend again. I miss that more than anything. 
We are made for each other. I know that. You are made for me. Only for me. Just like I was made for you. I knew that from the first time I spoke to you. Remember that? You were so lost, you had no idea what to do with your life. I knew even then how much I could give to you, how special you are. 
They are blaming me for loving you more than anyone else. How could I not love you when you changed me completely, you showed me what love is. 
And then…when I was 100% sure I will spend the rest of my life next to you, when I pictured you as my husband, and myself as a mother of your children…Just when I thought that after all, this life isn’t so bad, it won’t be bad as long as I have you… You left. You broke all my dreams, every hope I had. You destroyed me. 
I am spending last nine months wondering how could your love stopped so suddenly…In one moment, one second, everything ended. It’s not fair, it can’t end like this. You loved me so much, I know you did, I saw it in your eyes. You know how much I know you. 
I still haven’t figured out what happened. I just know that I am still praying for you, for your happiness. 
It doesn’t matter what happens to me. I know that I can’t be happy, not without you by my side. So I’m praying for you. I hope that life will be good at least to you. You deserved it. Because all of that unselfish love you gave to me. Because all of those times you made me smile and cry from happiness. 
Everything after that I’m trying to forget. That’s not you. And I know how I want to remember you.
You will always be my first…love, desire… My only, my everything. No matter what. I was and I will always be yours. 
I will be by your side, you won’t ever be alone. That’s the only thing you need to know.


Kako pobjeći od onoga što je u vama?

Published on 14:00, 06/17,2015

Kako pobjeći od onog što je u meni? Mogu se ja truditi koliko god želim, da zaboravim, prebolim… Ali šta da radim onda kad mi dođe u snove? Svake noći se tiho došunja, dođe nepozvan. 
I voli me. Ostane cijelu noć, grli me, govori one najdivnije riječi, šetamo… gradom, kraj rijeke, ljubi me, sjedimo na klupi, plačemo, držimo se za ruke, priča mi o svemu, smijemo se, tu je, moj, samo moj…
A onda svane novi dan. Novi udarac, novi poraz.
Onda se treba cijeli dan nositi sa činjenicom da je to bio samo san. I da ga nemam. 
To kad bude tu i nestane… Ta sreća što ga grlim, mirišim, što čujem njegov glas kako mi priča o tome koliko me voli i šta mu predstavljam…I u sekundi buđenje i spoznaja da je to sve samo iluzija…Pomislim da ga imam i da će opet sve biti kao nekada… I onda samo nestane.
Tu bol nikome ne bih poželjela.
Zato vas opet pitam, iako odgovor znam. Kako pobjeći od onog što je u vama?


Bol je uvijek ista

Published on 08:45, 06/17,2015

I kad sam naizgled najsrećnija na svijetu… Kad blistam, skačem, plešem satima. Dok litre alkohola kruže mojim organizmom. Dok svima čitam iz očiju ono: pogledaj je… 
Meni i tad trebaju samo jedne ruke, samo jedan zagrljaj. Jedne usne… Jedni otkucaji srca. Jedan glas. 
Da me privuce sebi, da se uvijam u njegovom naručju, uz toplinu njegovog tijela, uz taktove najdraže muzike. Da budem njegova, da pokaže cijelom svijetu kome pripadam. Da niko drugi nikada više ne stavi ruku na moje tijelo. Da on to ne dozvoli.
I kad sam svima naizgled najsrećnija osoba na planeti, ja u sebi plačem. Ja nisam srećna nimalo.
Nedostaje. U svakoj sekundi. 
Ali šutim. Puštam ga. Nadam se da je bar on srećan. Onako, istinski. 
Ipak…molim Boga da mi ga vrati. Jer bez njega ništa na ovom svijetu nema smisla. Bez njega život ne živim.